Words Cannot Describe....

You may be asking yourself "why is Lauren doing a post at 5:40 am?"

Well let me tell you....

I have been up since 4 am with a very sick baby, a baby with major sinus pressure. I know this is all fairly new (because for 23 of the past 26 years of my life I was used to getting AT LEAST 8 straight hours of sleep a night), but I have just grown custom to be woken up randomly throughout the night for the past 2 years to whimpers, coughs, wakefulness, crankiness and fevers from my child....I have also learned that I will probably NEVER get a good nights sleep again (at least until Cannon is in college- and then I will still worry until he is married and safe at home instead of being out all night- and by then I will probably be going through menopause and not sleep anyways). Well, let me tell you about my poor baby waking me up....and by baby I mean HUSBAND! That's right, Cannon (who is on antibiotics for a sinus infection) is still wonderfully asleep in his room, while I am WIDE AWAKE because my OTHER baby (love you Brian) woke up with sinus pressure in his ears and head.

The past few nights, Brian has had a hard time falling asleep because his ears hurt him and he is having lots of congestion and headaches. Cannon is sick, so I know there is something going around. Brian and I went to the Dr's yesterday morning for check-ups, and Brian forgot to mention the fact that he has been waking up the past few nights with major pain. I have been telling Brian to take Advil, blow his nose, use the saline spray that i just picked up (specifically for this purpose), give a little tug on his ears to relieve pressure and that he should feel a lot better. Brian did not say anything to the Dr (who would have told him the same thing that I did) and he did not listen to any my advice either (I mean, what do I know- I don't have a PHD)

So Brian wakes me up at 4 am acting like the world as we know it is over. He is freaking out that his ears hurt. He can hear his heart beat in his head. When I try to tell him what to do or ask him questions out of sympathy, he claims that he cannot hear me because his ears are about to explode (though he did hear me enough to answer with a snarky comment). He said the pain felt like taking an ice pick to his ears. He had me so freaked out that he had a brain tumor or something, I was about to wake Cannon and drive him to the ER. I don't know how his pain tolerance is, but by this time I was wide awake and feeling horrible that I previously really just had wanted to sleep. What a horrible wife I am, my husband is in obvious pain and all I can think about is my soft/warm bed. So I tell him what to do and he ignores me because he cant "hear me". I go to the computer and research what I can do to help relieve him of his impending head explosion, and I come up with the same information that I had been telling him (about the spray, blowing the nose....etc)

Here is how the conversation went-



(Not a Dramatization)



To add the proper effects:


the voice of Lauren will be played by Angelina Jolie

























the voice of Brian will be played by Gilbert Gottfried (cue whiny voice)




Scene- Brian pacing frantically around the living room holding his head, talking loud because he can't hear while Lauren sits at the computer researching different medical sites


Me: "Brian honey, it says here that you shouldn't sniff in- you should blow your nose. You should also use that spray I got you honey. I promise it will help relieve the pressure. Take an Advil for the inflammation, that should help with your headache as well. Lightly pull your earlobe down to relieve some of the pressure as well."


Brian: "What will that do?!?!! I don't get it?"


Me: "Honey, I also just read that if you softly tap your head or flick it, it will help relieve pressure- like you would with a soda can that is about to explode. Its called the soda can tap"


Brian: (punches himself in the head a few times) "That doesn't help!!!"


Me: "Brian honey, you can't PUNCH a soda can and expect it to help. That would just cause more pressure AND dent the soda can. Now you will have 2 problems with that soda can"


Brian: "My head is going to explode, I need urgent care!!"


Me: "Babe, I have been telling you for years that you should not be 'sniffing in' but instead 'blow out' your nose when you are congested. You learn these things when you are like 6. Please go blow your nose and use the spray. I've only seen you blow your nose like once or twice in the past 5 years. Just trust me. Sniffing in just makes things worse. It can lead to an infection."


Brian: "Fine! But its NOT GOING TO WORK" (Brian then runs off to blow his nose and spray it)






:Cue dramatic music and sounds of nose blowing followed by many sprays:




Brian: "Wow, my ears don't hurt anymore"


Me: "See honey. That wasn't too hard. You just need to listen every once and a while. Don't be so overly dramatic"


(I asked him to 'tap' his head and he decided to 'punch' his head...you get the idea of how overly dramatic he can be- ALSO- when I asked him to 'tug' his ear down, I thought he was going to rip the darn thing off).


Me: "Now go lay down with some tissue and your spray by the bed. Give your ear a little tug for the drainage. Its 5:20 now. You can go back to sleep and still get about 2 more hours before you need to get up for work"


Brian: (tugs his ears and is asleep with little to no pain within a matter of 2 minutes)


Lauren: (WIDE AWAKE and decided to do a blog while both Cannon and Brian are asleep.....)




Oh the joys of being a mother AND a wife. I sometimes feel like I have 2 kids :)


Now you may be sitting at your computer wondering why you just read this novel.....what is the moral of this story? The moral of this story is just to show that I am ALWAYS right and very self sacrificing when it comes to my family, and that certain people BRIAN should listen to me the first dang time, instead of wasting another hour or 2 and causing enough commotion- I thought he was going to need an ambulance and a brain transplant.

(PS- I am going to try to fall back asleep now, and I can PROMISE you that Cannon will probably wake me up 20 minutes after I have just barely fallen asleep)